Dear Duffy Families;

It is with great sadness that the Duffy community mourns the loss of 5th grader, Connor Sorensen, who passed away on June 30, 2011. Our thoughts and prayers are with his family and loved ones.
 Connor was a delightful boy who positively touched the lives of the staff, students, and families who had the pleasure to know him during his years at Duffy School.  We are all deeply saddened by this tragedy.
As family, friends and community grieve; please know that help is available.
-Call Duffy School to request assistance, and counseling will be arranged.  (860) 521-0110
- Another resource is The Bridge Family Center. www.bridgefamilycenter.org/news.php
Discussing Death with Children
Speaking about loss is a difficult task.  We may be concerned with how children will process death. It is important that we allow the children opportunities to express their feelings and emotions in a safe and nurturing environment. Below you will find some information and a few websites that address this issue. 
This is a very difficult situation for all involved and we are sensitive to the fact that everyone deals with loss differently and in their own way. 
Understanding the Child’s Level of Comprehension

When discussing death with children, being age appropriate is crucial. The way you discuss death with a 3 year old is very different from the way you discuss it with a 10 year old.

Ages 3-6   There children tend to see death as akin to sleep or a journey from which one can awaken or return.   For the young child, there is no clear distinction between life and lifelessness.  Death is seen as a temporary thing.
Very simple questions may be asked and only very simple answers are required.  For example, a child may ask, “What does dead mean?”  The response may be, “Dead means not to be alive anymore like the daisies we picked and are all wilted now.”  Age or disease often explains death to this age child, “Grandpa died because he was old.” “Billy died because he had a sickness that we don’t know how to make him better yet.”
The most painful thing about death for a young child is that someone who used to be there for him/her is no longer there.  This may leave the child feeling lonely, insecure and deprived.  These children must be reassured that there will always be someone to love them and take care of them.
Questions answered simply, thoughtfully and honestly will help to give the child a sense of security.

Ages 6-10   These children understand the reality of death, but they have difficulty imagining that they or their loved ones will die.  These children may feel anger about death, but will have difficulty speaking about it.
When death becomes personal and real, the child may suffer guilt feelings if he/she has expressed anger toward a person who later died.  They may even think that their thoughts of anger could have caused the death.  At the same time, they may be angry at their loved one for having abandoned them.  This anger and guilt needs to be expressed, listened to and accepted.  They must be reassured that they were loved by the one who died.

Ages 10-Teens   These children realize the irreversible nature of death, are more curious about its biological aspects, and are aware of the social implications.
Children at this age may be troubled by thoughts of their own death, some may feel more threatened than others and may even feel that death is a punishment for being bad.

 Suggestions for Discussion

1. Prepare children for the serious nature of the information that they are about to receive.  State that you have something sad, unhappy, painful, and upsetting to tell them.
2. Announce the facts.
3. Allow children to react, discuss and share feelings.
4. Listen to their responses; be supportive.
5. Convey a feeling of acceptance for the different reactions expressed.  Reactions may range form no reaction at all to all degrees of sadness, loss, guilt, anger, and disbelief.
6. If kids wish to discuss more than you are comfortable with, or if they are having strong reactions, request assistance from support counselors that school will provide.
7. Discuss ways in which children can express their feelings and concerns (e.g. cards, letter, and funeral attendance).
8. Keep communications open. 

The book, How to Say It to Your Kids by Dr. Paul Coleman, suggests three things when a loved one has died: 

1. Encourage grieving
2. Share stories about the person
3. Celebrate the person’s life

The National Institutes of Health has an excellent resource on this topic found here:  www.cc.nih.gov/ccc/patient_education/pepubs/childeath.pdf
Other sites:
www.bmc.org/pediatrics-goodgrief/tipsforadults.htm

kidshealth.org/parent/emotions/feelings/death.html